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Archive for the ‘State of Mind’ Category

Early on a Monday morning in August 2013, my then 87 year old dad walked out of the house he’d built himself and lived in for 65 plus years, heading out at the crack of dawn to “put the men to work.”  He’d been putting the men to work on the farm – sometimes in a cotton field or a field of hay, sometimes to sort cattle, sometimes to pick pecans, sometimes in the shop to fix a tractor, the list of work on a farm is endless – since his early teens.

As he rounded the corner between his house and the garage, he was met by two masked men. Pointing guns.

They knocked him down to the hard cement. With their hands? With a gun? Dad doesn’t remember.

Somehow, these masked gunmen got him back on his feet (or he got himself back on his feet). He was herded at gunpoint back into the house where my 86 year old mother, weighing in at maybe 90 pounds, was sitting calmly at the breakfast table in her gown and robe, eating her daily cereal and doughnut.

And for the next hour or so, these two armed intruders robbed my parents. The younger jittery one kept a gun trained on my parents while the older one with the big lips poking through his ski mask went from room to room filling my mother’s small red and blue duffle bag with guns and jewelry. Dad’s Kindle. Binoculars. A Camcorder.

Before it was repurposed as an armed robber’s loot bag, the duffle bag held my mother’s emergency night clothes and sundries. In case she had to go to the hospital in a hurry one day.

Big lips was on his cell phone the entire time.  It appears he was getting his instructions on where to look and what to look for from the “mastermind” who had driven big lips and his accomplice over the canal bridge in his Mustang, dropped them off to hide in the garage, drink bottled water they found in the store room after trashing it, and patiently await my dad.  How did mastermind know where to look and what to look for?  Ah – he once worked on the farm.  And borrowed money he never repaid.  And stole thousands of dollars worth of tools from the shop.

A lot went on for that hour or so.  At one point, Mom snuck her cell phone into the pocket of her robe and then tried to sneak a phone call. The phone was promptly slammed into the fireplace where it shattered.  She was marched twice at gunpoint- still in her robe and slippers – to her bedroom closet to get her purse to turn over a credit card.  Dad handed over another credit card and some cash. They were moved from one room to another. The men demanded to know where the safe was.  “We don’t have a safe.”

Mom tried to reason with the hostage-takers.  “Think about what you’re doing.”  “What would your mother say about this?”  “Leave now before it’s too late.”  “What have we ever done to you?” asked Dad.  At one point, Mom offered to write them a check if they would just leave. A check. They took a minute or two to actually consider it.

And then, things took a turn.  The gunmen seemed to run out of instructions and purpose and a sense of desperation permeated the house.  And Mom had had enough.  Figuring she had nothing to lose, she worked her way over to the kitchen sink and started yelling and flailing her hands and coughing and, generally, having a major fit.  Jittery guy was clearly shaken. “What’s the matter with her?”  “Why’s she doing that?”

Mom ran past jittery guy and out the back screen door. Jittery guy ran after her with his gun zeroed in on her back.  Dad ran out the door after jittery guy and around to the front of the house.

“Call 911!”

In all the confusion, they lost track of big lips and the jittery one.  So when law enforcement arrived, they operated on the possibility that one or both of the gunmen were still in the house.  And law enforcement included the County Sheriff’s Office, the Texas DPS troopers and air support, FBI SWAT and negotiators, US Border Patrol field agents, tactical unit and air support, medical air support, volunteer fire department, life ambulance and Homeland Security.

An elderly couple, in the middle of a pecan field, held hostage and robbed at gunpoint early one morning on the Texas-Mexican border.

Roads were blocked off, helicopters flew overhead, a command center was set up, and law enforcement broke nearly every window in the house, shot tear gas canisters in every room, blasted some type of winged sound grenades everywhere that lodged in kitchen cabinets, threw a patio bench through a plate glass window, kicked in doors and, all in all, completely trashed the house.

No gunmen.

By late afternoon, Mom was still in her robe. Crimes against persons had taken her statement at a house across the field. Other than the nightclothes on her back, everything else she owned was in the house – the house she could not enter because of the tear gas. Exhausted, she demanded, “I want to go check on my house!” “No Mom, the detective said you can’t go back in the house right now. But if you tell him what you want, he’ll go get it for you.” The detective, donning a gas mask, retrieved Mom’s purse and placed it in a black trash bag in the back of her trunk.  Don’t touch the purse with your bare hands and keep it far away from you.

Sometime that day, surveillance cameras showed the two gunmen trying to use the stolen credit cards at a Walmart half an hour away and mastermind’s Mustang at a gas station. Two days later, big lips and the jittery one were in custody. Turns out the jittery one was the 16-year-old brother of a 20-year old guy named Hesiquio Perez. Mastermind was identified as Alfredo Trejo (he was already in the system) but was still at large.  A deputy sheriff/crime analyst/SWAT bulletin went out to law enforcement.

S.O. BULLETIN 018-2013 –  HOME INVASION

A closeup of Gutierrez “CAPTURED” – $150,000 BOND

A closeup of Trejo “WANTED” – $1M BOND

To be considered Armed & Dangerous – *PLEASE USE CAUTION IF ENCOUNTERED*  

The detectives felt certain Trejo wouldn’t run across the border to Mexico since he was wanted by “the” cartel/”a” cartel because he’d witnessed a drug-related murder. But, in fact, that is where he hid out for many months until his family talked him into surrendering.

My parents lived in a Motel 8 up the road for over 34+ days.  While they waited for their house to become habitable again.  Much of the first several weeks were spent sitting at a card table set up in the garage, in the raging August desert heat, running in and out of the house, noses and mouths covered, assessing the damage.  Tear gas permeated every sock in every drawer. They ordered an alarm system, new carpet, new drapes, new windows, new doors and kept adding to the list of missing items.  The insurance company sent everything out that could be laundered or dry cleaned – towels, bedspreads, underwear, coats, sheets, blouses, shirts, jeans.  No matter how many times we wiped off furniture and counter tops and doors and cabinets, black fingerprint dust/grime remained.  There were holes in the cabinets that needed to be repaired.  We found burns in the carpets and in the drapes from the tear gas and noise bomb canisters.  We found empty tear gas and noise bomb canisters everywhere.

And, looming in the background, was the overwhelming sense of vulnerability.  This was no random act.  This was calculated and intentional.  These people knew my parents were alone – in fact, the family was in the midst of a gut-wrenching family crisis and family members had been spending days and weeks at a time at the house for months.  But not that particular Monday morning.  They knew what time my dad left the house to start the work day.  And they had help.

Some of the stolen goods were eventually found stashed at someone else’s house.

It has been almost two years since the robbery.  The 16-year old was sentenced as a juvenile and is locked away (hopefully) for a while.  Perez and Trejo have been in custody and then out on bail and then “failed to appear” numerous times.  Their hearings and jury trials have been scheduled and rescheduled.

In late July last year, the assistant district attorney took Mom and Dad’s testimonies at a deposition held in a courtroom with Perez and Trejo sitting in the jury box in their orange jumpsuits. A guard standing nearby. The ADA had Mom sit in the witness chair and walked her through what had happened almost a year before. Mom described it all in meticulous detail, her voice never waivering.

“Did you invite these men into your home?”  “No.”

“Why did you give them your money and credit cards?”  “What would you do if someone forced his way into your home and pointed a gun at you?”

“How has this affected you?” Mom leaned forward and directed her response to the two men in orange jumpsuits slouched in their seats across the room.  “This was my home, that I’ve lived in most of life. I’ve always felt safe in my own home and now…”

Mom’s testimony was so calm and precise that the ADA did not have a lot of questions left for Dad.  When asked if he recognized Trejo, Dad responded that he didn’t really remember him but had been told that he’d loaned money to Trejo with the promise of repayment and, instead, Trejo had just walked off the job and never returned.

Sitting at the defense table were the two defense attorneys; Perez’ defense attorney knew my parents and my family. Trejo’s attorney laughed and fidgeted in his chair and flipped his hair around and, for the most part, made a mockery of the deposition. His arrogance and blatant disrespect for my parents was stunning. Both defense attorneys took turns cross-examining Mom and Dad. Perez’ attorney did not have many questions. Trejo’s attorney just made a fool of himself. The court reporter took it all down.  No judge or jury were present. I’m not sure if this is standard procedure but, given my parents’ ages and the time it has taken for the system to take its course, it was important to let them tell their stories on the record.

Two years is a long time when you’re in your late 80’s.  Life doesn’t get easier, your body doesn’t get healthier.

Trejo was recaptured and accepted a 20-year sentence.  On June 17th, he stood before a judge and pled guilty to one count of Burglary of a Habitation with Intent to Commit A Felony and two counts of Aggravated Robbery. While Mom and Dad’s presence was not required at the plea hearing, the assistant DA offered them an opportunity to attend and make an “impact statement.”

Perez’ jury trial was scheduled for May 18th, two months ago, but his whereabouts are unknown.

An IMPACT STATEMENT?

Screen Shot 2015-06-21 at 4.15.02 PM Trejo & Perez 8/13

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Funny how the very thing that defines each of us, our soul, is impossible to describe. Far more than personality or traits or habits. Spirit. Essence. Yes, sort of. That intangible that enters our body at birth and departs in a flash when the physical body dies. Leaves and goes….where?

One of the highlights of law school was the option to observe autopsies at the adjacent medical school. On my scheduled observation day, there were twelve bodies ranging from 3 months to 80+ years. Twelve different causes of death – suicides, heart attack, heroin overdose, car accident, sudden infant death syndrome. Just twenty-four hours earlier, those twelve people had been alive. Twelve bodies right there in front of me – but definitely not twelve beings. There was no doubt that I was looking at empty vessels. Shells. Packaging I could relate to – what was required on this earth to make each of them visible, identifiable, tangible to other humans. Each soul had moved on.

Bare your soul. Soul mate. Soulless. Soulful. I know soulful when I feel it.

Driving along the other day with a heavy heart, not quite able to put my finger on why it felt so heavy, I overhead someone on the radio say something about having a hole in her soul. Yes.That’s what I felt. A hole in my soul. Something missing, out of whack.

I instantly thought about needing to defrag my soul. If I can defrag my computer’s hard drive, fill in the empty spaces by rearranging all the files that got out of sync back into a cohesive, well-oiled smooth running machine, surely I can defrag my soul. What is the protocol for defragging the soul?

First step. Delete the files that are corrupted. Delete the files that no longer serve me.

Then, defrag. Prioritize. Fill in the empty spaces.

wind on sand

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How many bosses can a woman with children have? All women with children are working moms. Some get an actual paycheck – some don’t. Regardless, we all know that the real boss is the child.

I grew up in the ’50s when Dr. Spock’s book, The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care, was right up there next to the BibleI wore out my mother’s paperback edition raising my own children in the late ’70s and ’80s. Just like my mother, I wanted to be the best mother I could but wasn’t quite sure how to do that or how to measure my success. Dr. Spock’s opening line was Trust Yourself: You know more than you think you do. Maybe yes – maybe no.  But, when I’d exhausted all other available resources, I went with my instinct.  1968 Baby and Child Care

Is mothering in 2015 harder than mothering in 1950 or 1980?  I don’t think so. But, is there a different pressure to “entertain” children? Probably. Dr. Spock reminded us that children can and should entertain themselves.

Social researcher, Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., observes that today, “failing to nurture your child on every imaginable measure and enrich him in every possible way is considered neglect… Sociologists call it ‘intensive motherhood’ – a gendered ideology that dictates that women should spend enormous amounts of time, energy, and money on childrearing, and that failing to do so is failing to be a good mother… Children who once worked for us are now our bosses.”

I appreciate where she’s coming from and agree wholeheartedly with Dr. Martin that today’s mothers are under tremendous pressure to prove themselves as mothers, that motherhood is “intensive”. I’m not sure there is a true “cultural shift” since the ’50s. There are certainly many more ways to “entertain” a child today and a miasma of instant information and opinions at a mom’s fingertips. But I didn’t work for my mom in 1950 and my children never worked for me.

Motherhood was intense in 1950.  It was intense in 1980.  It is intense today.  One way or another, children have always been the “boss”.  2011 Baby and Child Care

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I grew up on a farm in a small town in west Texas. Family, school, church. Simple.

CHURCH was a very big deal. My dad built the church. Potlucks. Easter sunrise services. Choir. Sunday school. Grape juice and tiny crackers. Uncle Frank grudgingly dropping a penny into the collection plate.

That beautiful church is struggling. My 88-year old parents are the remaining members. The last time I went to church with them, there were 6 of us, including the visiting minister and his wife. The same picture of Jesus still hangs over the communion table. The organ I played is still there but no one plays it any more.

I’ve been going through old church records and am touched by the handwritten details. Who was in attendance that Sunday. Who was baptized. Who’s in charge of the monthly potluck. Who will lead the singing. A constant search for another preacher. And Dovie Beene.

Tiny, no husband, no children. Dedicated. Dovie had a most impressive Sunday school perfect attendance pin collection. Worn proudly each Sunday – pinned to her Sunday-best outfit. I could never live up to Dovie’s perfect attendance pins. Who could, really?

Perfect Attendance. Have I ever attended to anything – perfectly?

Perfect. “having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be.” “she strove to be the perfect wife”
synonyms: ideal, model, without fault, faultless, flawless, consummate, quintessential, exemplary, best, ultimate

I don’t know if Dovie was “perfect” in her day-to-day life. I believe she was “perfect” in God’s eyes. But she attended Sunday school every Sunday, year after year after year after year. She had all the required or desirable elements, qualities and characteristics to earn all her perfect attendance pins. She was as good as it was possible to be at attending Sunday school.

By narrowing down “perfection” to something attainable and identifiable, maybe I can achieve perfect attendance. Even for a moment. Today.

Sunday School Pins

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Despite indisputable evidence to the contrary (chronology), I’ve coddled the notion that I have time on my side. Not that I have more time in front of me than behind me. Not that I have all the time in the world. But that time is still…friendly.

I prefer to think of time as being circular, without end. Or multi-dimensional. Or relative – dependent on my perception – at the time. I don’t understand time travel but I embrace the idea.

In a culture hell-bent on defying and denying time, I have done my best to wage war alongside my comrades – armed with positive thoughts and a bag of supplements. If only I could clearly identify the “enemy”.

Ancient Rome had Saturn – god of time.  Saturn was heir to the throne; next-in-line to be king of the Titans.  But his father, Uranus, was in no hurry to step down as king so Saturn took time into his own hands and, with a slash of his sickle, castrated his father.  Of course, it was only a matter of time until Saturn was overthrown by his son, Jupiter.

If the god of time can’t control time, how can my comrades and I?

I remember, exactly, the day my friend and colleague sat across the table and asked me, “how much longer do you plan to work?”  Hers was a very practical question – if we hire you, how long will you stay?

If you are part of the workforce, time is always breathing down your neck.  And, if you are a woman in the workforce, that foul-smelling breath whispers words like competitive edge, staying current, and skill sets interspersed with crepey neck, puffy eyes, and veiny hands.  And no amount of positive attitude or magic potions can halt the ravages of time.

Time is moving at a rate at which I cannot keep up. In fact, it seems to be moving so fast that I can hear it. Not a steady deliberate brisk march. But a bullet train. And I’m hanging on for dear life.

When asked by Steve Kroft about “this whole aging thing” during a 2013 60 Minutes interviewBritish actress, Maggie Smith, age 78, remarked, “Noel Coward… said ‘The awful thing about getting old is that you have breakfast every half-hour.’  And that’s sort of what it is.  I can’t understand why everything has to go so fast.”

Dame Maggie gives me hope.  At 80, she is in demand and bankable – a stand-out in Downton Abbey and The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel and the sequel, The Second Best Exotic ….  I can just picture her riding the bullet-train that is time with an Oscar in one hand and a script in the other, trying to keep her glasses from blowing off her face.

“Time is the substance from which I am made. Time is a river which carries me along, but

I am the river;

it is a tiger that devours me, but I am the tiger; it is a fire that consumes me, but

I am the fire.”

-Jorge Luis Borges

Ah… now I get it. Time is me. I am my own enemy. Waging war against myself. What else is new!

time-warp

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Ah, another Christmas has come and gone.  I am glad for the coming and the going.

For the emotional, spiritual and physical tug of war.

For the extreme highs and the deep lows.  The guilt and the satisfaction.

For twinkling lights of any kind.

By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.”  Confucius

lone tree

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“My advice?  If you ski, don’t.”  Well, the last time I snow skied and fell with both legs splayed out in two different directions; I decided to sell my skis.

“Don’t put on a pair of skates.”  Well, OK, no skating.  I turned 64 last month and, short of a brief, passing interest in the crazy inline skates Cesar Millan, aka The Dog Whisperer, wears while effortlessly taming those crazed pit bulls on his TV show, I haven’t even thought about skating in years.

“I wouldn’t even climb a step-ladder.  Your osteoporosis is acute.”  Now you’ve got my attention.  I do enjoy climbing a step ladder every now and then.

“A drug called Forteo will fix your problem.”  Wait!  Not so fast!  What about Eli Lilly’s bold disclaimer on the first page of the slick brochure and in the CD that comes with the slick brochure?  WARNING: POTENTIAL RISK OF OSTEOSARCOMA.[1] 

Ah, well, that has to do with the results of the company’s testing on rats.  Rats that already had some health issues that were given excessive doses of the drug.  I processed this as “So, you’re saying these were compromised, weakened rats, bombarded with a powerful drug and this really has nothing to do with what might happen to me on this drug since I’m not a stressed out sick little caged rat.”  Osteosarcoma has rarely been reported in people who took FORTEO.[2]  Rare is not the same as never.  Please, do go on.

How powerful is this drug?  Well, it requires a daily injection for 2 years.  And for no more than 2 years.  What happens after 2 years?  I’m not quite sure.

At a cost of give or take $1500 a month.  I have incredibly crappy insurance so maybe I would qualify for some type of break from Eli Lilly.  Or maybe I can wait until Eli Lilly’s patent expires and the price goes down.  Way, way down.  If I don’t ski or put on a pair of skates or climb a step ladder or step off a curb wrong or pick up a gallon of milk the wrong way while the company recoups its research and development costs and makes billions.  While all we baby-booming women get our annual bone density tests.  A roster of small white women with osteo issues that I assume includes bone medication spokeswomen Sally Field and Blythe Danner (well, their TV ads seem credible).

This really isn’t a rant about drug companies.  This is a rant about aging or, more particularly, an acknowledgment.  Here it is.  More than the evidence I see in the mirror.  More than the way my knees feel when I climb the stairs.  This is something that, but for technology, would have stayed silent until it could not be ignored.  It is about feeling vulnerable.  And about staring mortality in the face.

I have been blessed with good genes.  And while I may be more diligent than some in my lifestyle choices, what I eat and drink, how I care for my body, mind and spirit, I know that I am blessed.  I don’t really think I’ve deluded myself into thinking I would not get older, it just happened so fast, while I wasn’t looking.

To the young, beautiful, competent, compassionate pharmacist I spoke to about by Forteo dilemma, I’m sure I looked and sounded like every other 60+ woman she talks to on a daily basis.  I wonder, though, if she could see herself in me.

I hear my young friends talk about time.  Time flying, where did the time go, not enough time.  In this fast-paced world of instant communication – instant change, how can anyone not feel time’s incessant steady vibration.  The enormous universal clock.  The biological clock that ticks for us all – not just for women and their finite eggs – but for every living thing.

I love clocks.  I bought my favorite clock at an outdoor fair in Santa Fe, New Mexico many years ago.  The clever artist used a dental router to etch the words “There’s No Time Like The Present” into a small piece of flagstone, added an inexpensive clock mechanism and, voila, made my favorite clock.

There is no time like the present.  But I believe in the future and preparing for the future and my future in this body is finite, plain and simple.  So, I will study my options, weigh the risks, percolate on the challenge, and appreciate with gratitude overflowing the way my bones have carried me and those I care about, figuratively and literally, so far.

[1] http://www.forteo.com/potential-side-effects-of-osteoporosis-medication.aspx?WT.srch=1

[2] Ibid

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Yesterday, I followed a very tall woman from my parking garage into the office elevator.   Dressed casually in jeans and a t-shirt, my guess is she was in her late 50s.  Very little make-up, a short conservative hairstyle.  She caught and held my attention because of her erect, proud posture and her elegant long stride.  And she was wearing very high heels.

In high school, I felt certain I would be happier if I were just 3 or 4 inches taller.  In 1965, at 5’7”, British supermodel Jean Shrimpton was one of the highest paid models in the world.  In 1966, at age 16, Leslie Hornsby aka Twiggy was named “The Face of ’66” by the UK’s Daily Express and, the following year, Mattel came out with a Twiggy mod fashion Barbie.  Twiggy was 5’8”.  James Bond girl, Diana Rigg, was 5’9”.  To me at an optimistic maybe 5’4”, perfection was several impossible inches out of reach.  And someone else, whether real or imagined, always looked better, had a better body, better hair, better skin, and, truth be told, just plain had to be better.

With age comes wisdom or, at least, experience and a lot of observation.  As we crossed the breezeway between the garage and the building, I pictured this tall woman as a young girl and made some quick assumptions that maybe growing up tall was not without its challenges.  It takes a while for the boys to catch up to the girls and maybe it was tough being taller than the boys.  Maybe it was hard to find pants and skirts the right length.  Or was being tall the norm in her family, so there was never a point in her life where she stooped or slouched or wore flats because her dance partner’s head barely reached her armpit.

I know what you’re thinking and you’re right.  It was absolutely none of my business and it was arrogant and intrusive of me to make such assumptions about a stranger with whom I just happened to cross paths.  But I was drawn powerfully to this brief encounter because it instantly evoked so many of my own insecurities and indelible memories of wanting to fit in, to be noticed but, at the same time, to be invisible.  I felt a strong connection to this statuesque woman who carried herself so beautifully in those lovely high heels.

Just the two of us got into the elevator and, in that small intimate space, the difference in our height was even more pronounced.  I couldn’t stop myself and turned to her and said, “I really admire how you own your height – and even accentuate it with your heels.”

She did a quick inhale, paused briefly and, as she stepped out of the elevator, without looking back at me, said, “It’s taken me a very long time to get here.”

Why does it take so long to be comfortable in our own skin?

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